When you know the goodbye is coming.

I've never been sure if I would want to know that the end of my life was nearing.  There are pros and cons.  You can live with a new kind of intention when you truly feel your own mortality.  Most of us don't live like our days are numbered.  We know they're numbered, but we assume that the number is still a pretty big number.  There's not a sense of urgency to life.  In some ways, that's a nice thing.  I don't know if my mind could bear the weight of such knowledge.

I mowed the yard this evening.  I really dislike the heat, the dirt, and the bugs of mowing, but I'm learning to love the solitude of it.  When I mow, I plug into my music and my thoughts.  It's one of those rare occasions that I embrace my thoughts.  I usually spend a good amount of time praying, too.  I don't know.  It's just a good time to be alone.  The dull roar of the motor behind the eclectic mix of tunes in my earbuds makes for a strangely relaxing mood.

Tonight, my thoughts turned to a dear friend that is facing a very poor cancer prognosis.  I'm sure he's feeling the gravity of the ticking clock.  I'm sure he's wishing he felt well enough to really enjoy the moments he has left on this earth.  I have a desire to go and take some pictures of him and with him while I can.  I started to reflect tonight on the fact that I don't have a memory of life without him in it.  He and his family have been a part of my life since before I have memories.  When I think of that, the tears fall unbidden down my cheeks.  Free-flowing tears.  I'm realizing that I may have to know life without him much sooner than I had ever imagined.  And like a little girl, I cry.  I'm not ready to lose him.

As most moments in my life do, this one brings to mind a song.  Patty Loveless released this song many years ago.  It made me cry then for the general emotion of the song.  It makes me cry now for the preparation to say goodbye to a loved one.  "It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry...."

How Can I Help You Say Goodbye? by Patty Loveless

Through the back window of our '59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away
I kept on wavin' till I couldn't see her
And through my tears I asked again why we couldn't stay

Mama whispered softly, "Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same."

And she said, "How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry.
Come let me hold you, and I will try.
How can I help you to say goodbye?"...........

........
Sittin' with Mama, alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes and then squeezed my hand
She said, "I have to go now.  My time here is over."
And with her final words she tried to help me understand.

Mama whispered softly, "Time will ease your pain.
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same."

And she said, "How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry.
Come let me hold you, and I will try.
How can I help you to say goodbye?"

Listen to the full song here.