It's been about three years since I wrote anything here. I wish I had wonderful tales to tell of great personal accomplishments. Instead, I'm here to write of the same ol' same ol'.
I feel like I've spent a majority of my life fighting a battle I'm destined to lose. I know many would stop me right there and say that's why I'll never win... I have a negative attitude. No. I have a realistic attitude. I'm freaking forty-four-years-old, and I'm still facing the same mountain I've faced most of my life. The odds are not in my favor.
I've taken many journeys, in hopes of reaching the other side. I've even neared the top a couple of times, only to hopelessly fall right back to where I started. Right now, I don't only feel as though I'm back at the bottom of this giant mountain; I feel like I'm mired down in mud at the bottom, and I've been trampled. The desire to reach the goal is still real, but all motivation to do so is gone.
"...you can see the summit, but you can't reach it... the last piece of the puzzle, but you just can't make it fit... doctor says you're cured, but you still feel the pain... aspirations in the clouds, but your hopes go down the drain..."
This is an anthem for my life. 2015 and 2016 were some of my darkest days, emotionally. I was stressed beyond belief. Ironically, it was also during this time that I worked the hardest at reaching the summit. I was successful. I reached the one-year mark and almost believed that I had finally found the key to long-term success. Then, BAM! What should have been a simple gallbladder removal in July 2016 turned into a still-ongoing nightmare. Multiple doctors have told me I was cured, after three surgeries in total, but the pain continues to revisit me. I wouldn't feel healthy ever again. I only thought food had been my worst enemy in my life up to that point. I didn't know just how hellish it could be. Food is my worst enemy and my only comfort. It's killing me and keeping me sane, at the same time. No. It's literally KILLING me. I'm convinced. Will a doctor ever figure it out? My confidence in that is low.
Food addiction is not like any other addiction. I cannot go cold turkey. I can't detox from all food. Food addiction demands that you harness the demons. You can't just turn and run from them. You can't just eliminate that element of your life. You must wake up and face it every single day of your life. You must fight the demons, not only once per day but sometimes many times each day. The defeat of failure is very real. It's a dark place. The self-hate and inner dialogue is poisonous and plentiful.
Yes. I'm wallowing in the mud at the bottom of this giant right now. I could bury my face in the mud and give up, but I have just enough energy left to keep looking at that summit. As long as I'm still looking up, there's still a glimmer of hope.
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